In August it’ll be two years since it happened. You often hear birth stories but rarely hear about the pregnancies that never lead to births.
I was 29 years old when we lost our second child. I thought I knew what I was doing with my life, felt like I had the "bull by the horns." Everything was planned out, right down to our dogs' names (we had no dogs, by the way - still don't). But these words changed everything...
"It looks like you're going to have a miscarriage."
I only remember bits and pieces of what the doctor said after that. I couldn't believe what was happening. I suddenly felt very empty. Embarrassed. Ashamed. My mind struggled to make sense of it all. Why was this happening? How could God let this happen to me?
I'll never forget our nurse, Beth. She was definitely our angel that night in the ER. As she prepared me to be discharged, she looked me in the eye and offered sincere sympathy for our loss. A mother of two, I could feel her hurting with me. The Christ-like compassion that flowed from her every word and gesture was exactly what my soul needed in that moment.
I don't remember the ride to pick up Nya, our daughter. She was asleep on the couch when we got to my in-laws' house. I remember kneeling beside her, trying to control my sobbing as I kissed her and held her close. For the first time I realized that her life was a miracle, and I was so grateful to hold her in my arms as she slept peacefully.
The days that followed were dark. I had chosen to forego the procedure and allow my body to carry out the miscarriage on its own. I didn't know when it would happen. The wait was painful. Even though the life inside me had already passed on, it felt like I was waiting for someone to die.
Then early that Tuesday morning I was awakened by pains in my belly. I knew it was time. My body was ready to let go of the past. Somewhere in my heart, I was ready to allow God to begin healing me spiritually and emotionally.
After the miscarriage, I wrote these words in my journal:
These past six days have been some of the most trying since I've started walking with You. And yet, through it all, You have sustained me, kept me...Lord, I am humbled by Your greatness and I thank you for everything - the trials and the blessings that came about because of the trials. Thank you, Lord. Show me how You want me to use this trying experience to bring You glory, Lord. I know that everything has a purpose, Lord, and that Your purposes are always good.
I am here to encourage you today. Whenever you face a trial, don't allow it to make you bitter. Instead turn to God's Word. There you will find hope, truth, discernment, comfort, wisdom...anything you need. Going through a miscarriage was one of the greatest trials of my life. I felt like someone had pulled the rug out from underneath me, and I hit the ground...hard. At the time I didn’t understand why God would allow that into my life. Looking back, I realize that He was humbling me. He showed me that I need Him more than anyone or anything.
God can take our brokenness and transform it into something beautiful...if we will let Him. This transformation often doesn’t happen overnight, but rather through a continuous relationship with Him.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
~ Jeremiah 29:11
On September 17, 2013 I gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Ava Nancy!